rambles and half-essays

by KM Brunner

  • submitting and rejection

    Katelyn Brunner

    I got my first rejection in years – not because I’m particularly good, but because I haven’t submitted in a long time. And forgot how it felt. I care again.

    Why do I care again? I can do music live in front of hundreds of people and not give a shit, but I God forbid I get a rejection for a couple pieces of flash fiction. It was the nicest rejection email of all time, honestly, but it’s got my feathers ruffled.

    It’s extremely hard to ruffle my feathers. That’s probably why I’m writing about it. I’m also writing about it because I’m starting to understand that it’s pretty brave not only to submit pieces, but to write about failures. Lots of authors write about their rejections, and because I always likened it to playing a bad set, I’d (ungenerously) think, “Just try again. Not a big deal.”

    But it’s not like a set, is it? The writing remains. You’ve still got the product, even after the rejection hits your inbox. It makes the piece feel like a limp, dead thing. Roadkill in the palm.

    You ever scrape up roadkill?

    And those pieces – I knew they weren’t great. I don’t know if even I would publish them, if I were an editor. Maybe I’ll put them up here once I can’t feel the sting. Where else are they gonna go?

    This would be much more painful if I submitted something I love.

    I know I’ll climb out of this funk by midday, go eat some noodles, and do my work, but for a moment I need to sit with my coffee and brood. So that’s what I’ll do, I guess.

    There’s nothing to be gained by continuing to indulge in self pity, so I’ll give you a list of other things to read, watch, listen to, and know about.

    • I’m relearning how to play the piano. I was bad before, I’m worse now, but I got out my keyboard and it’s been fun. I almost purchased a new one because I’m great at jumping the gun. This is that keyboard. Instead I’m going to stick with my 61-key midi controller to make sure I actually want to play the piano. Sometimes my ADHD will spark a manic drive to learn/do something, and then it’ll snuff it just as suddenly.

      Four years ago, these producers all flipped the same sample and it was a very cool thing. There are a bunch of videos like this but this one is my favorite. ABSRDST is very charming and is a great reminder that innovation can and will be born out of necessity. Also, I love to watch people lean into themselves and refuse rules. Diveo seems like the sweetest young man.

      – Comic – Once and Future by BOOM! Studios – a great characterization of a senior female character. I LOVE this series. It’s just so fun. No intense undertones or much to overthink, which is nice for me right now.

    1. being religious without being religious

      Katelyn Brunner

      I’m sure this is not the only time I’ll write about spirituality, but it’s the first time I’m doing it on this platform and I’m going to apologize in advance. It’s a fixation of mine, and maybe barring writing itself, my most active one. I’d argue that sometimes they’re the same thing; both run on stories.

      In my life there are times when spirituality plays no part in my day-to-day and times when it plays an important part, and I’m currently experiencing a time when it’s important. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I’m back to writing so much and have lots of ideas that don’t seem to come from me alone, or maybe it’s because I’ve got spiritual friends who connect with religions and practices that are new to me. I’m interested but I’m also not sure how they do it.

      I love a good ritual – any kind, really – but I was raised Catholic, and though I don’t believe in the Church like it wants to be believed in, I can’t shake the tradition of Mass. It is quite a specific ritual. Mass is like meditation, the whole thing’s melodic…it’s just comforting. But it’s also deeply problematic and sometimes, scary.

      I think I like it because it’s so predictable and familiar. It has nothing to do with Jesus, though he did seem like a good guy. I really, really don’t believe in the story in the traditional sense.

      You know that the Tao Te Ching is clearly a book of poetry – interesting poetry – with values and teachings sprinkled throughout. I think the Bible is more like the Tao than it is like a historical text. It’s also similar to folktales, which are just stories written to drive home a message. It’s a shame they’ve packaged the Bible to be digested as reality. You can’t really do that without engaging in both magical thinking and active denial, which I think are two of Christianity’s foundational problems. They – among other things – make it very dangerous.

      Anyway, it’s time to give you some stuff, which is my favorite part.

      1. An internet archeologist that comes straight from Tumblr. They’re very, very funny and also a great writer. Strange Aeons is satisfying to listen to, especially if you’ve been on the internet for a while.

      2. Cover – DC Comics. A comic about a comic writer who is roped into international intrigue. Very fun, but has an open ending. If you hate that, stay away!

      3. In the context of the post, including this makes sense: St. Anthony’s Shrine – a Catholic church in Boston run by the Franciscan brothers. They’re really chill and the music is great.

      4. Martin Retro guitar strings!

      5. Currently reading No Time to Spare by Ursula K. Le Guin. It’s fabulous, but of course it is. It’s her.

    2. a good idea and a realization

      Katelyn Brunner

      I’m not planning to keep a chronological diary here – no one needs updates on my life, but I do want to say that I’ve found a writing routine, courtesy of my lovely mother, who thought it up for me. It’s in the nighttime, which was something I hadn’t considered. I thought I’d be too tired, but it’s been fine so far.

      Moms tend to be right.

      Anyway, before I get to a list of things I’ve enjoyed this week, I want to ramble a little about authenticity and bodies. I’ve had a rocky relationship with my body, and it only got worse after the changes it went through due to my chronic illness, but over the last few years (and a lot of therapy), I’ve learned to listen to it better.

      I’m not talking about listening to it to keep it safe – that I’m generally good at. I’m talking about listening to what feels good to wear, what kind of hairstyle makes me happy, etc. Over the years, in addition to masking my personality, I’d masked my physical self expression. I wasn’t wearing the clothes I liked, I was picking at my skin because it didn’t feel like mine, and my hair felt like a hat. It was strange but I didn’t question it, because I’d felt that way for so long.

      And then, at the behest of my therapist, I started wearing boys’ clothes sometimes and I got my first tattoo. I pierced my own ears and got my bangs back. I wore big shirts so they didn’t touch my skin so much, and got rid of things with textures that made me feel gross. I didn’t realize how uncomfortable my own clothes made me until I started paying attention – listening.

      What I’m saying is that you’ve got to notice the small stuff. My tattoos – several, now – make me hate my skin less. I feel less self conscious in oversized, cotton clothes. You have no idea how much those small changes positively influenced my self image.

      I’m getting much too sappy – time to list some cool stuff:

      Song – symptom of life by WILLOW. I am embarrassed that I was embarrassed to enjoy this. I hate when I’m pretentious for no reason; it’s not flattering. I think it stems from envy. Anyway, I’m so happy for this young person – they’re really expanding into a genre that suits them. The song is very cool.

      1. My mom got me these cube timers and they’re so cute.
      2. Been really into the Book Club Radio sets – a very cool series with some great DJs.
      3. Thinking about finishing my sleeve with Cheddar at Boston Tattoo Company. They did my thigh piece and I love it.
      4. I absolutely love Jess Owens. She’s hilarious and the best “booktuber” out there. She’s not usually drunk, but I thought this video was very funny. Jess is honest, sincere, and she’s got such a wholesome vibe. Her dog and husband are sweet, too.

    3. finding a writing schedule and failing miserably

      Katelyn Brunner

      Writing advice is nothing but varied. Some is bad, some is good, some works for a few people and not for others, but one sentiment is repeated constantly: find a routine. People say it differently, like “write every day,” “show up to write,” “carve out some time each week,” etc., but they all mean the same thing: stick to a schedule and do the work.

      I’ve been searching for a workable writing routine for years. That search has turned up nothing. (Got advice? Please leave me some – I need it!)

      That’s not to say I don’t write; I do, and often. My issue is that I can’t predict it well. I haven’t found a way to bake it in to my day/week that makes it inescapable. Writing needs to feel inevitable, because my ADHD won’t let me do it otherwise. Instead it feels like a tether, another anxiety to add to my list (that only grows as I age).

      And so I try things. I’ve tried getting up early, staying up late, writing at lunch, choosing an hour in my day – or a half hour. I’ve tried cutting down my routine to 3 days/week, but I end up writing more and then feel as if I’ve screwed up the schedule. It’s clear to me that I need some structural help but I’m not sure where to go to get it.

      So – I’m asking for advice, if anyone reads this far. Just…leave me something. Comments are open.

      I’ve complained enough; time for a list:

      1. Duotrope – a way to find and save literary calls for submissions that I’m very impressed with. It’s 5 dollars a month, which is kind of a steal.
      2. Behind the Bastards, a podcast about the villains of history.
      3. This drawing teacher guy is the nicest man: https://www.youtube.com/@SketchBookSkool
      4. Song: PISTOLWHIP, by spilltab. Really interesting vocal production and an incredible hook. Cross between indie rock and electro-pop.

      Jacob reminds me of myself at my most manic – and at my best. He’s a genius to be sure, and much better at his craft than I’ll ever be at mine, but he explains things in ways that I relate to, which is a rare thing. It’s obvious he’s got intense synesthesia and maybe mild auditory hallucinations, too – just like me. 🙂

      Jacob’s done incredible things with his gifts and I haven’t, which is a little sad. I wish I’d had the time/opportunities he did – maybe I’d be further along in my artistic development. But no use dwelling on it!

      It’s nice to be able to experience his art, even if it is needlessly impenetrable sometimes. I think often he’s just playing with the form, ’cause when he wants to make something intensely beautiful, he does. He’s inspired me to write new music, and I’ve had moments I never would have experienced if I hadn’t listened to him talk, so I suppose I should thank him. 

    4. interest or manipulation: how the algorithm fucks with us

      Katelyn Brunner

      Hello! I talk a lot about creativity, art, etc. That said, I’m also a digital marketer. It’s my day job to be the villain of the internet, and though I do write about this – thematically – in almost every piece I work on, I try not to get into conversations about it in my real life.

      I am not exactly pro-internet. I’m certainly not anti-internet – it is a beautiful invention. What I do want us to acknowledge is that because the internet is made for the marketer, and not the consumer, you are being thrust into a power dynamic that will never, ever benefit you. As I’m sure you’ve heard, you’re the product. The platform sells you, and even if it’s not a typical data leak/sale, they’re still selling you.

      It’s worse than selling your information, I think. They’re not giving me your email, which you could theoretically ditch if you needed to; they’re giving me your eyes and your time.

      There’s a reason most tech employees with children don’t let their kids engage with the internet much – it’s the same reason I don’t use my phone very often. It is not made to make you feel good, it’s designed to hold you hostage by catching your attention, which means exposing you to extreme content. And so your echo chambers get more and more intense, prejudices get justified by outright misinformation, etc.

      The statement “the algorithm,” or “your algorithm,” is a horrifying one because it tells me how much the general public knows – but won’t acknowledge – about their online spaces. You know you’re being served content based on your interests…but that’s not quite it, is it? You’re being served content to pique your interest.

      That distinction is what’s radicalizing us.

      Oh, are you interested in getting a girlfriend? Having trouble? You could be too short. Do you have acne? Well, whatever – girls are mean anyway – I mean, obviously, because they don’t talk to anyone, especially not you. But maybe they’re not worth getting to know! They suck. Girls aren’t that smart, because God knows you’re a catch, even if you are short. But you can get taller – did you see that surgery? It’s expensive but you can get rich to get it, you just gotta grind. Then you might be able to compete. Because naturally tall guys are cool, sure…but they’re all such assholes, they don’t talk to you either! The popular people, those tall guys and their girlfriends, they’re why you don’t have friends. It sucks to spend all your time alone, huh? But there are tons of guys just like you, and they’re all so angry and lonely. It’s common to be so angry; everyone who’s interesting feels like that. Maybe normal people just aren’t worth it….at all?

      Do you know how to buy a gun?

      …

      The current internet leads us, it does not serve us. And if you don’t question the way it’s structured, maybe you will be influenced to buy that gun. Who knows? Radicalization can happen to anyone, especially to a vulnerable person.

      I have to stop writing about this or I’m going to cry. There are ways to use the internet that will hurt us less, but it requires willpower and reframing the way we see ourselves.

      In my opinion, there are two ways to remove oneself from this toxic digital landscape:

      1. Give up the internet. Leave. Make your art for yourself. Go to shows. Make friends, kiss those friends. Wake up to the sun and not the screen.
      2. Be painfully earnest and unflinchingly honest. Do not brand yourself – your personality will do it for you. Do away with shame, lean into being cringe. Make your art for twenty freaks at a time who you know will like it. Prioritize the art and not the sale. Free yourself and disobey the nature of the platform.

      I haven’t decided which approach I’m going to take, so stay tuned. Maybe me writing here – on the internet – is a tell, but that might change. This is not the first blog I’ve started.

      …

      I don’t even really smoke, and I need a cigarette.

      No recommendations today, but shout-out to the smoke shop around the corner whose door I’m going to darken in about ten minutes.

    5. learning to draw and imposter syndrome

      Katelyn Brunner

      I’m an artist. I’ve identified myself as a writer and I am; there is no denying that and it’s my main art form. I am a musician too, and play gigs every now and then. I paint, but only abstracts, on old drop-cloth canvas from Home Depot. When I got into comics I told myself that I wouldn’t try my hand at it. I firmly made that decision. I thought that I could enjoy an art form and not partake, but here I am, buying ink and textbooks. I am doing fake art school like an asshole.

      I want to be able to bring my fiction outside my body and my words, but I’m not skilled enough to drag it there. The only thing for it is practice, I guess.

      I am objectively mediocre at drawing, and I don’t like being mediocre. It makes me feel sad and angry and, well, stupid. I didn’t think that picking up drawing would trigger all that but it has. I’m not even planning to release anything – not really. I suppose the problem is that I am judging myself.

      I’ve mostly conquered this problem with writing, but I thought that since I don’t care about my visual art nearly as much, I’d be able to skate on past this stage. But here I am, sitting around feeling inferior and bad. I’m rather good at putting my insecurities to the side and soldiering on, so I’m not worried about art block or writer’s block, but it does mean I can’t open a comic book without sighing.

      I’ve got no solution for this issue except to get better, and I know I will with time. While it happens, I know that my envy of others’ work needs to be channeled into admiration and an opportunity to learn.

      Anyway, it’s time to move on. I’ve got presents:

      1. Nan Goldin’s (photographer) “Advice to the Young,” which reflects a lot of my thoughts about artists’ needs and the world kids are inheriting from the older generation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RlC3ym4-YaQ
      2. The sweetest thing – Pia Crambling (Grandmaster) commentates Anna Crambling’s (her daughter) chess games at a huge tournament in Iceland. It’s so heartwarming. Pia is analyzes the game while Anna plays it, and is visibly stressed out when Anna makes moves she doesn’t agree with, but is rooting for her daughter the whole time: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3_VCUvHDAw
      3. Three Stanley Avenue Guest House – I stayed here a couple years ago and loved it. I’m hoping to book another trip soon. https://stanleyavenue.com/
      4. Speedball nibs/dip pen holders: https://www.speedballart.com/our-product-lines/speedball-calligraphy-illustration/speedball-pen-nibs/speedball-pen-sets/ (this is what I’ve been using to practice inking, along with regular India ink that’s the Blick brand.)

    6. art, clichés, feeling today tomorrow

      Katelyn Brunner

      There have been days in my life – once, two full weeks – where I felt out of time. It’s similar to dissociation but more of a disconnection. Reality remains, but it’s not solid (while dissociating, reality remains – I know where it is, but I can’t engage). For those two weeks in 2017 I felt strongly that it was actually February of 2012 and I had an essay due. I felt that, somehow, I had to get it together to write about Lord Byron and his club foot.

      Februaries can be hard.

      And there are days when I feel small and young, and I remember my childhood hamster. Her name was Angel and she was very mean. I kind of liked that. Her hair matched mine because it was orange (pictured at left).

      I often feel very old, but that tracks with my real timeline. I am not chronologically the oldest person who’s ever lived, but my personality doesn’t quite make sense for the average 30-year-old.

      I am sick. That’s why. Nothing exciting. I’m old because I’m still here and I’m cranky because no one seems to care about what is important. Unfortunately, what is important is what they say is important: family, friends, love, art, nature, experience.

      Hallmark sayings and boring cliches do have substance, which I find a little frustrating.

      I think you have to be old – in experience, not years – to understand them. “Be yourself,” especially. No one can tell another person to be themselves and not sound patronizing, but the moment it clicks, when you realize that you must be yourself and there is no other option – the phrase is suddenly frightening.

      “Be yourself” can be an awful thing to say. It used to be for me, but now I find freedom in the phrase. It gives me permission to wear menswear and to draw monsters and to write science fiction. It allows me to stop competing with writers I admire and gives me the space to appreciate their work. Being myself is nice, and it would be even more fun if I liked my body.

      But like I said, I am sick. It is hard to enjoy a body that doesn’t want you there. Sick bodies want to die, and so they’re inhospitable to the life in them. I am that life and often, I wish I weren’t. And yet I must be myself, there is no other option, I have to remain and continue to flicker my bullshit electricity over a half-dead brain.

      I used to wish I weren’t sick, but you can’t do that when you pursue being authentic. If I weren’t sick I would not be this person. I think it’s unfair that she exists because suffering is an awful way to forge a personality, but I’d rather be her than be anyone else.

      Anyway, I’m done talking about this. I’m going to send you home with a gift bag full of media treats:

      Comic: Beyond Real, Vault Comics

      1. Figure Drawing: Design and Invention by Michael Hampton – the textbook I’m following to learn to draw figures more accurately. This is a pirated pdf.
      2. Three Stanley Avenue Guest House (Kingsfield, ME) – I stayed here for four days a couple years ago. They have crappy wifi and there is no one in the town. It was one of the best vacations I’ve ever taken. Cheap as hell, too.
      3. Ebony graphite pencils are the best. Soft and quick – perfect for drawing fast on newsprint.

      The most moving and most interesting piece of music I’ve listened to recently:

    7. mixed media, writing, mastery

      Katelyn Brunner

      I’ve been experimenting with visual art lately. It’s made it hard to get writing done but I think it’s helping me from a creative standpoint, so maybe it’s worth the time I spend in front of clippings and paint and my new fine-line pens. I love my pens.

      There are (free) online courses you can take that’ll teach you how to make comics. I’m taking one on Coursera and it’s been a good time. I don’t want to be a comic writer, but two of my characters are visual artists, and it’s been fun to get a better picture of what they’re up to.

      My sketchbook is insane, which is the point of it. There’s a guitar pick taped in there somewhere.

      I do wish I were better at drawing figures/characters so I could make better thumbnails for the book, but I am what I am. No use doing anything other than practicing. I’m getting better. Slowly. People get degrees in drawing – I’m not expecting to be good at it, maybe ever. Art school seems hard and though I am working in a sense, I am certainly not working toward mastery.

      I’ve got two degrees in writing. I am seeking mastery, there. Awards are not my goal; I am interested in creating sincere, earnest work. I want to create something that gets at big questions using specific images and storylines. That’s what I’m working toward, and I think that goal’s realistic enough.

      Here are some things:

      1. This kid is a fabulous songwriter. I think he’s the new iteration of “emo” music for the youths. He doesn’t sound emo, but his vibes are emo as hell.

      2. Comicazi – my local comic shop. I love Boston and I love this shop.

      3. Paper Girls from Image Comics.

      4. Rosebud Salve – weird inclusion but it’s my favorite lip balm. Look it up yourself.

      5. Another song. In Limbo by Rigby. I love the vocals.

    8. thesis-less

      Katelyn Brunner

      Most blog posts have a point but I cannot think of one for the life of me. I still want to write, but I have nothing to say. Intuitively it doesn’t make sense but I’m compelled to write. Always have been. Maybe that can be my point: the compulsion to create doesn’t let up, even when it maybe should.

      I’ve got a ton of loose papers, pictures, art, and filed them all away yesterday. I told myself I’m going to use them for collages and maybe I will. I hope I will. But truly there is no use for them. Why am I making art? Why do I pursue creation?

      No one is making me. There’s no deadline. I don’t have to finish this book. I can go to workshop after workshop and make no progress and maybe I’d be happy.

      What ruins that is the compulsion. I’m compelled to continue and to work toward an end, whatever that may be. It’s a little frightening, if I’m being completely honest. I’ve always been like this so I’m used to it; when I’m not stressing myself out because I haven’t created enough, I’m in a depressive episode. It’s actually the thing that I’ve learned to watch for so I can get myself some help.

      I know I have to stop looking for a “why”. There isn’t one, and it’s not some cosmic thing. Or maybe it is – but if it is, there’s no use trying to understand it. I am preoccupied with these thoughts probably because it’s the one constant in my life and the thing that most fulfills me. I love to create. I don’t know what to do with that.

      Stuff:

      • Book: After the Revolution – post-America, post-apocalyptic novel. Very action-forward and fun.
      • Save the Cat Writes A Novel – craft book. Free PDF at the Internet Archive. I’ve been plotting my novel with it.

      KB

    9. new genres, old imposter syndrome

      Katelyn Brunner

      Writing sometimes gets me down but it happens more often when I’m less prepared. I’ve read a lot of literary fiction and creative nonfiction. I’ve even read a good amount of fantasy. But I’m writing – and most enamoured with – science/speculative fiction. I’m almost finished with a huge collection of Bradbury’s short stories and I’ve been blown away several times. His writing was – is – so inventive. Ahead of its time in many ways, and maybe even ahead of my time.

      These authors, including Ursula Le Guin, Phillip K Dick, Stanislaw Lem, whatever – they’re just cool with cool ideas and next to their imaginations mine feels shriveled. Prune-sized and flavoured. Prune. Flavoured. But prunes are all right some of the time, I suppose.

      Give me a day and I’ll be over this and back in a writing mood, but God is it hard not to compare oneself to other people.

      That said, I find a lot of other other people boring and derivative, so focusing on geniuses is definitely a me problem.

      Here’s the media I’ve been into the last couple weeks:

      • Comic: Kill Your Darlings (Image Comics)
      • Nick Drake – just revisiting him, he’s great. I put on Pink Moon every few days just to feel something.
      • James Ensor, painter. I also quite like this YouTube channel – Blind Dweller. Seems like a nice guy who’s just really into art.