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rambles and half-essays

Tag: comics

  • i had an awful month

    KM Brunner

    I am not going to give a rundown of my month; you don’t deserve the frustration and I’m not interested in baring my personal life for folks to read. I’m no one’s friend here, and it wasn’t particularly interesting anyway. It was just…hard.

    Because I’m chronically ill, I forget what it’s like to experience violence from something outside my body. My day-to-day life is a minefield of managing a disorder that, when triggered, provides me with heaps of trauma that I then have to wade through. I spend months – sometimes years – working through my fear while still living in the body that is responsible for that trauma (and threatening to inflict more).

    It is not a fun place, my body – my brain, specifically. But there’s nothing for it except for suicide and I’d like to at least enjoy my thirties. Forties, too, if I get those years.

    Vigilance and violence are part of my life. They are part of my mornings, afternoons, evenings. They are part of my writing practice. I think about them when I cry, because the action is not entirely controllable. I think about them when I laugh.

    But this month was difficult because of an external force and it felt like a privilege to experience that. It was a perverse feeling and made me feel bad, like I was invalidating other people’s terrifying experiences with abuse, and yet I found it comforting in some ways. It gave me something to fear that didn’t come from me.

    I could lock the door. Separate myself from her. God, what a luxury that was.

    The month is over and the danger is gone. My apartment feels like my own again. I’m back with just me and my brain. I am glad for it because weathering that danger was exhausting, but there was something to knowing she couldn’t hurt me when I was staying with a friend, across town, that was soothing.

    Chronic illness is such a strange thing. The filter through which I see the world makes it difficult to relate to other people, and my relationship with fear and pain is very warped. I am a great listener and like to help folks with their problems, but I often find myself holding back when talking to friends, because their problems are so, so bearable to me. I’d love to have their problems, and only those problems.

    I’m going to stop with this self-pity and move on to my little recommendations section.

    Music: Delirium Division, Little Pink Houses. It’s a rock song. I just really love it. It’s been on repeat for me.

    Stuff:

    1. Comic: Vinyl by Image Comics. It’s about a serial killer with Alzheimer’s who is emotionally attached to his FBI agent. He saves him from a murderous cult. It’s very, very cool.
    2. Been wearing my half-rimless glasses. I like them but they make me look like a librarian. I’ve decided I don’t care.
    3. I’m going up to Marblehead on Saturday to drive around. It’s where part of my novel is set.

  • the Church is haunting me while I’m asleep

    KM Brunner

    I said a few weeks ago that I was not going to stop at one post about spirituality, so here is the second.

    I am being haunted by Catholicism in my sleep. They aren’t bad dreams, but they’re confusing and when I wake up, they frighten me a little. I try very hard not to lean into delusion. Some days I consume weird Catholic content and so I dream about it. I have an aunt who is a nun, some priest friends, and so I dream about the clergy. Easy-peasy-resting-easy.

    That said, there are things in my life that I can’t explain. My easy fix: simply don’t think about them.

    I don’t believe in the Church. I think the institution is rather rotten and I’m not interested in the Bible as a historical document. It comes across as metaphor to me, and so I treat it that way. All the lessons still read the same – and I don’t even have to lie to myself.

    Now if everyone else got on board…

    That’s a little unfair, I know. I’m sure there are people who actually believe in the story. In the resurrection of the dead, the life of the world to come…

    What if Jesus’s resurrection in the Bible is an allegory for the resurrection of his teachings? Same takeaway, no delusion, and honestly? Better writing.

    So I don’t think I can call myself a Catholic. I also don’t consider the Bible my end-all-be-all of spiritual texts. I’m interested in the Tao, I’m interested in meditation, the Bhagavad Vita, etc. They are all in conversation with one another anyway, and who am I to ignore that? Who am I to dismiss all that tradition? Ridiculous.

    But then there are the dreams, you see. That is why they’re frightening. When I’m awake, Christianity is just a pretty story. While I sleep, I’m…

    In the last one I was a nun. I was happy, too. Happy and cloistered and spiritually fulfilled. I was smiling at my sisters and wearing a habit and the abbey was warm in the morning sun. I woke up upset.

    ‘Cause that’s completely out of my reach. If I were to pursue being a nun, I would hate it. I would 100% despise it. I wouldn’t be able to stay true to my spiritual vows. I think the frustration would get to me, and eventually I’d say something about it. Something like:

    “Why can’t I be a priest?”

    I think about that a lot. Some women are priests. I’m not like that, though. I’m nowhere near positive enough to try to forge a path for women in the Church. Those people are strong in a way that I find intimidating. I’d envy them if their road didn’t seem so fraught.

    I suppose my big problem is that I don’t want to be a priest unless I get the weight of tradition along with it. But I don’t want to be a man and don’t think I could fake it well enough to get through seminary.

    And so I learn about Catholicism and I think about the saints and I worry about spiritual psychosis and the young people who were victimized because of it. I go to classes and fantasize about being one of the original monks who just…walked into the desert.

    I sometimes go to church. When I do, I feel that secret-sacred tether that reminds me that there’s more to those dreams than just the jumbled remnants of my day. Then I leave and try to convince myself that feeling is just the product of a beautiful service.

    I am trying my best.

    I don’t like the idea of being religious and I’m not. I’m curious and stubborn and desperate to prove to myself that I can dismiss those moments as chemical. Something tangible.

    ///

    Though it feels inappropriate, I’m still going to include recommendations!

    Music: Misere mei, Deus – Tenebrae (on theme!)

    Actual fun stuff:

    Comic: Beneath the Trees Where Nobody Sees is complete! The whole series was wild but it ended in a nice place.

    • Finally getting back to writing. I write on a Remarkable tablet. They’re like a Kindle with a word processing function. I can’t do the computer all the time so it’s fabulous.
    • I love this podcast about CNF (the podcast is hosted by the guy whose website this is): https://brendanomeara.com/

  • submitting and rejection

    KM Brunner

    I got my first rejection in years – not because I’m particularly good, but because I haven’t submitted in a long time. And forgot how it felt. I care again.

    Why do I care again? I can do music live in front of hundreds of people and not give a shit, but I God forbid I get a rejection for a couple pieces of flash fiction. It was the nicest rejection email of all time, honestly, but it’s got my feathers ruffled.

    It’s extremely hard to ruffle my feathers. That’s probably why I’m writing about it. I’m also writing about it because I’m starting to understand that it’s pretty brave not only to submit pieces, but to write about failures. Lots of authors write about their rejections, and because I always likened it to playing a bad set, I’d (ungenerously) think, “Just try again. Not a big deal.”

    But it’s not like a set, is it? The writing remains. You’ve still got the product, even after the rejection hits your inbox. It makes the piece feel like a limp, dead thing. Roadkill in the palm.

    You ever scrape up roadkill?

    And those pieces – I knew they weren’t great. I don’t know if even I would publish them, if I were an editor. Maybe I’ll put them up here once I can’t feel the sting. Where else are they gonna go?

    This would be much more painful if I submitted something I love.

    I know I’ll climb out of this funk by midday, go eat some noodles, and do my work, but for a moment I need to sit with my coffee and brood. So that’s what I’ll do, I guess.

    There’s nothing to be gained by continuing to indulge in self pity, so I’ll give you a list of other things to read, watch, listen to, and know about.

    • I’m relearning how to play the piano. I was bad before, I’m worse now, but I got out my keyboard and it’s been fun. I almost purchased a new one because I’m great at jumping the gun. This is that keyboard. Instead I’m going to stick with my 61-key midi controller to make sure I actually want to play the piano. Sometimes my ADHD will spark a manic drive to learn/do something, and then it’ll snuff it just as suddenly.

      Four years ago, these producers all flipped the same sample and it was a very cool thing. There are a bunch of videos like this but this one is my favorite. ABSRDST is very charming and is a great reminder that innovation can and will be born out of necessity. Also, I love to watch people lean into themselves and refuse rules. Diveo seems like the sweetest young man.

      – Comic – Once and Future by BOOM! Studios – a great characterization of a senior female character. I LOVE this series. It’s just so fun. No intense undertones or much to overthink, which is nice for me right now.

    1. being religious without being religious

      KM Brunner

      I’m sure this is not the only time I’ll write about spirituality, but it’s the first time I’m doing it on this platform and I’m going to apologize in advance. It’s a fixation of mine, and maybe barring writing itself, my most active one. I’d argue that sometimes they’re the same thing; both run on stories.

      In my life there are times when spirituality plays no part in my day-to-day and times when it plays an important part, and I’m currently experiencing a time when it’s important. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I’m back to writing so much and have lots of ideas that don’t seem to come from me alone, or maybe it’s because I’ve got spiritual friends who connect with religions and practices that are new to me. I’m interested but I’m also not sure how they do it.

      I love a good ritual – any kind, really – but I was raised Catholic, and though I don’t believe in the Church like it wants to be believed in, I can’t shake the tradition of Mass. It is quite a specific ritual. Mass is like meditation, the whole thing’s melodic…it’s just comforting. But it’s also deeply problematic and sometimes, scary.

      I think I like it because it’s so predictable and familiar. It has nothing to do with Jesus, though he did seem like a good guy. I really, really don’t believe in the story in the traditional sense.

      You know that the Tao Te Ching is clearly a book of poetry – interesting poetry – with values and teachings sprinkled throughout. I think the Bible is more like the Tao than it is like a historical text. It’s also similar to folktales, which are just stories written to drive home a message. It’s a shame they’ve packaged the Bible to be digested as reality. You can’t really do that without engaging in both magical thinking and active denial, which I think are two of Christianity’s foundational problems. They – among other things – make it very dangerous.

      Anyway, it’s time to give you some stuff, which is my favorite part.

      1. An internet archeologist that comes straight from Tumblr. They’re very, very funny and also a great writer. Strange Aeons is satisfying to listen to, especially if you’ve been on the internet for a while.

      2. Cover – DC Comics. A comic about a comic writer who is roped into international intrigue. Very fun, but has an open ending. If you hate that, stay away!

      3. In the context of the post, including this makes sense: St. Anthony’s Shrine – a Catholic church in Boston run by the Franciscan brothers. They’re really chill and the music is great.

      4. Martin Retro guitar strings!

      5. Currently reading No Time to Spare by Ursula K. Le Guin. It’s fabulous, but of course it is. It’s her.

    2. finding a writing schedule and failing miserably

      KM Brunner

      Writing advice is nothing but varied. Some is bad, some is good, some works for a few people and not for others, but one sentiment is repeated constantly: find a routine. People say it differently, like “write every day,” “show up to write,” “carve out some time each week,” etc., but they all mean the same thing: stick to a schedule and do the work.

      I’ve been searching for a workable writing routine for years. That search has turned up nothing. (Got advice? Please leave me some – I need it!)

      That’s not to say I don’t write; I do, and often. My issue is that I can’t predict it well. I haven’t found a way to bake it in to my day/week that makes it inescapable. Writing needs to feel inevitable, because my ADHD won’t let me do it otherwise. Instead it feels like a tether, another anxiety to add to my list (that only grows as I age).

      And so I try things. I’ve tried getting up early, staying up late, writing at lunch, choosing an hour in my day – or a half hour. I’ve tried cutting down my routine to 3 days/week, but I end up writing more and then feel as if I’ve screwed up the schedule. It’s clear to me that I need some structural help but I’m not sure where to go to get it.

      So – I’m asking for advice, if anyone reads this far. Just…leave me something. Comments are open.

      I’ve complained enough; time for a list:

      1. Duotrope – a way to find and save literary calls for submissions that I’m very impressed with. It’s 5 dollars a month, which is kind of a steal.
      2. Behind the Bastards, a podcast about the villains of history.
      3. This drawing teacher guy is the nicest man: https://www.youtube.com/@SketchBookSkool
      4. Song: PISTOLWHIP, by spilltab. Really interesting vocal production and an incredible hook. Cross between indie rock and electro-pop.

      Jacob reminds me of myself at my most manic – and at my best. He’s a genius to be sure, and much better at his craft than I’ll ever be at mine, but he explains things in ways that I relate to, which is a rare thing. It’s obvious he’s got intense synesthesia and maybe mild auditory hallucinations, too – just like me. 🙂

      Jacob’s done incredible things with his gifts and I haven’t, which is a little sad. I wish I’d had the time/opportunities he did – maybe I’d be further along in my artistic development. But no use dwelling on it!

      It’s nice to be able to experience his art, even if it is needlessly impenetrable sometimes. I think often he’s just playing with the form, ’cause when he wants to make something intensely beautiful, he does. He’s inspired me to write new music, and I’ve had moments I never would have experienced if I hadn’t listened to him talk, so I suppose I should thank him. 

    3. learning to draw and imposter syndrome

      KM Brunner

      I’m an artist. I’ve identified myself as a writer and I am; there is no denying that and it’s my main art form. I am a musician too, and play gigs every now and then. I paint, but only abstracts, on old drop-cloth canvas from Home Depot. When I got into comics I told myself that I wouldn’t try my hand at it. I firmly made that decision. I thought that I could enjoy an art form and not partake, but here I am, buying ink and textbooks. I am doing fake art school like an asshole.

      I want to be able to bring my fiction outside my body and my words, but I’m not skilled enough to drag it there. The only thing for it is practice, I guess.

      I am objectively mediocre at drawing, and I don’t like being mediocre. It makes me feel sad and angry and, well, stupid. I didn’t think that picking up drawing would trigger all that but it has. I’m not even planning to release anything – not really. I suppose the problem is that I am judging myself.

      I’ve mostly conquered this problem with writing, but I thought that since I don’t care about my visual art nearly as much, I’d be able to skate on past this stage. But here I am, sitting around feeling inferior and bad. I’m rather good at putting my insecurities to the side and soldiering on, so I’m not worried about art block or writer’s block, but it does mean I can’t open a comic book without sighing.

      I’ve got no solution for this issue except to get better, and I know I will with time. While it happens, I know that my envy of others’ work needs to be channeled into admiration and an opportunity to learn.

      Anyway, it’s time to move on. I’ve got presents:

      1. Nan Goldin’s (photographer) “Advice to the Young,” which reflects a lot of my thoughts about artists’ needs and the world kids are inheriting from the older generation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RlC3ym4-YaQ
      2. The sweetest thing – Pia Crambling (Grandmaster) commentates Anna Crambling’s (her daughter) chess games at a huge tournament in Iceland. It’s so heartwarming. Pia is analyzes the game while Anna plays it, and is visibly stressed out when Anna makes moves she doesn’t agree with, but is rooting for her daughter the whole time: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3_VCUvHDAw
      3. Three Stanley Avenue Guest House – I stayed here a couple years ago and loved it. I’m hoping to book another trip soon. https://stanleyavenue.com/
      4. Speedball nibs/dip pen holders: https://www.speedballart.com/our-product-lines/speedball-calligraphy-illustration/speedball-pen-nibs/speedball-pen-sets/ (this is what I’ve been using to practice inking, along with regular India ink that’s the Blick brand.)

    4. art, clichés, feeling today tomorrow

      KM Brunner

      There have been days in my life – once, two full weeks – where I felt out of time. It’s similar to dissociation but more of a disconnection. Reality remains, but it’s not solid (while dissociating, reality remains – I know where it is, but I can’t engage). For those two weeks in 2017 I felt strongly that it was actually February of 2012 and I had an essay due. I felt that, somehow, I had to get it together to write about Lord Byron and his club foot.

      Februaries can be hard.

      And there are days when I feel small and young, and I remember my childhood hamster. Her name was Angel and she was very mean. I kind of liked that. Her hair matched mine because it was orange (pictured at left).

      I often feel very old, but that tracks with my real timeline. I am not chronologically the oldest person who’s ever lived, but my personality doesn’t quite make sense for the average 30-year-old.

      I am sick. That’s why. Nothing exciting. I’m old because I’m still here and I’m cranky because no one seems to care about what is important. Unfortunately, what is important is what they say is important: family, friends, love, art, nature, experience.

      Hallmark sayings and boring cliches do have substance, which I find a little frustrating.

      I think you have to be old – in experience, not years – to understand them. “Be yourself,” especially. No one can tell another person to be themselves and not sound patronizing, but the moment it clicks, when you realize that you must be yourself and there is no other option – the phrase is suddenly frightening.

      “Be yourself” can be an awful thing to say. It used to be for me, but now I find freedom in the phrase. It gives me permission to wear menswear and to draw monsters and to write science fiction. It allows me to stop competing with writers I admire and gives me the space to appreciate their work. Being myself is nice, and it would be even more fun if I liked my body.

      But like I said, I am sick. It is hard to enjoy a body that doesn’t want you there. Sick bodies want to die, and so they’re inhospitable to the life in them. I am that life and often, I wish I weren’t. And yet I must be myself, there is no other option, I have to remain and continue to flicker my bullshit electricity over a half-dead brain.

      I used to wish I weren’t sick, but you can’t do that when you pursue being authentic. If I weren’t sick I would not be this person. I think it’s unfair that she exists because suffering is an awful way to forge a personality, but I’d rather be her than be anyone else.

      Anyway, I’m done talking about this. I’m going to send you home with a gift bag full of media treats:

      Comic: Beyond Real, Vault Comics

      1. Figure Drawing: Design and Invention by Michael Hampton – the textbook I’m following to learn to draw figures more accurately. This is a pirated pdf.
      2. Three Stanley Avenue Guest House (Kingsfield, ME) – I stayed here for four days a couple years ago. They have crappy wifi and there is no one in the town. It was one of the best vacations I’ve ever taken. Cheap as hell, too.
      3. Ebony graphite pencils are the best. Soft and quick – perfect for drawing fast on newsprint.

      The most moving and most interesting piece of music I’ve listened to recently:

    5. mixed media, writing, mastery

      KM Brunner

      I’ve been experimenting with visual art lately. It’s made it hard to get writing done but I think it’s helping me from a creative standpoint, so maybe it’s worth the time I spend in front of clippings and paint and my new fine-line pens. I love my pens.

      There are (free) online courses you can take that’ll teach you how to make comics. I’m taking one on Coursera and it’s been a good time. I don’t want to be a comic writer, but two of my characters are visual artists, and it’s been fun to get a better picture of what they’re up to.

      My sketchbook is insane, which is the point of it. There’s a guitar pick taped in there somewhere.

      I do wish I were better at drawing figures/characters so I could make better thumbnails for the book, but I am what I am. No use doing anything other than practicing. I’m getting better. Slowly. People get degrees in drawing – I’m not expecting to be good at it, maybe ever. Art school seems hard and though I am working in a sense, I am certainly not working toward mastery.

      I’ve got two degrees in writing. I am seeking mastery, there. Awards are not my goal; I am interested in creating sincere, earnest work. I want to create something that gets at big questions using specific images and storylines. That’s what I’m working toward, and I think that goal’s realistic enough.

      Here are some things:

      1. This kid is a fabulous songwriter. I think he’s the new iteration of “emo” music for the youths. He doesn’t sound emo, but his vibes are emo as hell.

      2. Comicazi – my local comic shop. I love Boston and I love this shop.

      3. Paper Girls from Image Comics.

      4. Rosebud Salve – weird inclusion but it’s my favorite lip balm. Look it up yourself.

      5. Another song. In Limbo by Rigby. I love the vocals.

    6. new genres, old imposter syndrome

      KM Brunner

      Writing sometimes gets me down but it happens more often when I’m less prepared. I’ve read a lot of literary fiction and creative nonfiction. I’ve even read a good amount of fantasy. But I’m writing – and most enamoured with – science/speculative fiction. I’m almost finished with a huge collection of Bradbury’s short stories and I’ve been blown away several times. His writing was – is – so inventive. Ahead of its time in many ways, and maybe even ahead of my time.

      These authors, including Ursula Le Guin, Phillip K Dick, Stanislaw Lem, whatever – they’re just cool with cool ideas and next to their imaginations mine feels shriveled. Prune-sized and flavoured. Prune. Flavoured. But prunes are all right some of the time, I suppose.

      Give me a day and I’ll be over this and back in a writing mood, but God is it hard not to compare oneself to other people.

      That said, I find a lot of other other people boring and derivative, so focusing on geniuses is definitely a me problem.

      Here’s the media I’ve been into the last couple weeks:

      • Comic: Kill Your Darlings (Image Comics)
      • Nick Drake – just revisiting him, he’s great. I put on Pink Moon every few days just to feel something.
      • James Ensor, painter. I also quite like this YouTube channel – Blind Dweller. Seems like a nice guy who’s just really into art.

    7. an easy out

      KM Brunner

      I’m determined to remain lacklustre, so this post is more word vomit/journal entry than anything useful. Similar to the last one, if I’m being honest. I do write every day – properly – but this is a place to let loose. Get out all the energy in my body.

      Creative energy, I mean. Other energies are still in me and becoming very, very inconvenient. What do you do when you don’t have a partner and are frightened of intimacy? Anyone got ideas? I’ve got “go meet people” and “marinate in self-pity” but there must be better ones.

      There are so many projects in my life I need to finish, including a novel whose direction changed drastically a few days ago. Means I have to rewrite everything, but I am excited to do that. The change makes the storytelling much smoother. It doesn’t feel like I’m fighting my characters anymore.

      Writing science fiction/speculative fiction is difficult, but easier than literary fiction and more interesting than creative nonfiction. I decided recently to start submitting short stories, but have yet to write one that remains short. So I’m working on that, I guess…

      Let’s get to the list; I’m boring myself.

      Untouchable – Luna Halo (Pop punk but in good taste? Again, a very catchy track. It’s corny but not in the way that most pop punk is.)

      Beneath the Trees (Where Nobody Sees), Image Comics – A comic about an humanoid bear serial killer illustrated like a children’s book. It’s buck wild and I really recommend checking it out.

      • Anne Truitt, Daybook – journal of a frustrated, middle-aged female artist. She sounds like I do in my head and it was so refreshing to read.
      • Currently Reading: I Sing the Body Electric! – Ray Bradbury. Batshit short stories, very cool, very abstract.
      • Song in E – Julien Baker. A great song about love and alcoholism. Has one of my favorite lines in it: “I wish that I drank because of you and not only because of me.”