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rambles and half-essays

Tag: diary

  • journaling and being mean in secret

    KM Brunner

    Most days I journal before I go to bed. Though the entries are exceptional only in their mediocrity, I’m fine with that. I endeavor to be bad when I’m writing for myself. I like that I can get to a place where I stop trying. The entries can be, sometimes, mean-spirited and arrogant. They can be full of yearning and are often (embarrassingly) pathetic. I read one recently that made me want to vomit, it was so delusional. Made me think:

    She just didn’t like you that much, you nitwit.

    But I have to put that garbage somewhere. Lately I’ve found myself interested in the act of journaling, of my process and others’. My process is unremarkable. I’d like to start writing things that matter, eventually. Seems like more work, but I want the entries to be more fun for my future self. Ideally, in a few years I could sit and, entry by entry, watch myself develop. Instead I’ve got lists of each day’s events and my failings (which doesn’t make for great reading).

    I have complicated feelings about reading the private writings of anyone, even long-dead authors, but a few days ago I read two of Virginia Woolf’s diary entries. They’re hilarious in their frankness and their fearlessness. Though it makes me feel a little sick, I’m going to include a couple lines because the writing made me laugh out loud.

    “I’m somehow reminded of an excellent highly polished well seasoned brown boot by the look of him.”

    “The book is a disgracefully sloppy sentimental rhapsody, leaving Rupert rather tarnished.”

    In some ways I suppose you could read her diary as unkind, but it’s a goddamn diary. Mine can be downright malicious. I am thrilled that they’ll never have a reader.

    In some ways you could consider this blog a journal but it’s not. It’s for you, not for me. I know someone might read these posts so I’m careful, more specific with my wording, etc.- even if the writing reads casually. I make Decisions (cap-D) here. In my journal, sometimes I don’t even write the words out, just the first letters.

    Also, my cursive is illegible. Someone called it “personal hieroglyphics” once. It’s doctor cursive, if you know what I mean. 

    I wish I structured this post to end with a lesson, or with a conclusion at all, but I started with no plan and it seems I’ll finish with only loose ends. That’s okay.

    Recommendations:

    Music:

    God. Get ready to cry. Jason Isbell is one of the great lyricists of our generation. He’s a folk artist with an Americana vibe. He sings this song with his wife.

    I really dislike the music video so here’s a live performance:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JV7c8V5XLk8
    1. Turned my cellphone screen to greyscale and I hate it even more. It’s been fantastic. My screentime is down to like 45 minutes a day, maximum. Now if only I could match that with my computer. I’m working on it!
    2. Just read the bit of the Old Testament where David and Johnathan become besties and oh my God is it gay. The wording is just like wedding vows and it’s WILD. Love that Christians simply ignore it (I’m livid).
    3. This person (D’Angelo) is making shortish video essays at a worrying rate, but they’re fabulous:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmNTwFdC9L0

  • finding a writing schedule and failing miserably

    KM Brunner

    Writing advice is nothing but varied. Some is bad, some is good, some works for a few people and not for others, but one sentiment is repeated constantly: find a routine. People say it differently, like “write every day,” “show up to write,” “carve out some time each week,” etc., but they all mean the same thing: stick to a schedule and do the work.

    I’ve been searching for a workable writing routine for years. That search has turned up nothing. (Got advice? Please leave me some – I need it!)

    That’s not to say I don’t write; I do, and often. My issue is that I can’t predict it well. I haven’t found a way to bake it in to my day/week that makes it inescapable. Writing needs to feel inevitable, because my ADHD won’t let me do it otherwise. Instead it feels like a tether, another anxiety to add to my list (that only grows as I age).

    And so I try things. I’ve tried getting up early, staying up late, writing at lunch, choosing an hour in my day – or a half hour. I’ve tried cutting down my routine to 3 days/week, but I end up writing more and then feel as if I’ve screwed up the schedule. It’s clear to me that I need some structural help but I’m not sure where to go to get it.

    So – I’m asking for advice, if anyone reads this far. Just…leave me something. Comments are open.

    I’ve complained enough; time for a list:

    1. Duotrope – a way to find and save literary calls for submissions that I’m very impressed with. It’s 5 dollars a month, which is kind of a steal.
    2. Behind the Bastards, a podcast about the villains of history.
    3. This drawing teacher guy is the nicest man: https://www.youtube.com/@SketchBookSkool
    4. Song: PISTOLWHIP, by spilltab. Really interesting vocal production and an incredible hook. Cross between indie rock and electro-pop.

    Jacob reminds me of myself at my most manic – and at my best. He’s a genius to be sure, and much better at his craft than I’ll ever be at mine, but he explains things in ways that I relate to, which is a rare thing. It’s obvious he’s got intense synesthesia and maybe mild auditory hallucinations, too – just like me. 🙂

    Jacob’s done incredible things with his gifts and I haven’t, which is a little sad. I wish I’d had the time/opportunities he did – maybe I’d be further along in my artistic development. But no use dwelling on it!

    It’s nice to be able to experience his art, even if it is needlessly impenetrable sometimes. I think often he’s just playing with the form, ’cause when he wants to make something intensely beautiful, he does. He’s inspired me to write new music, and I’ve had moments I never would have experienced if I hadn’t listened to him talk, so I suppose I should thank him. 

  • new genres, old imposter syndrome

    KM Brunner

    Writing sometimes gets me down but it happens more often when I’m less prepared. I’ve read a lot of literary fiction and creative nonfiction. I’ve even read a good amount of fantasy. But I’m writing – and most enamoured with – science/speculative fiction. I’m almost finished with a huge collection of Bradbury’s short stories and I’ve been blown away several times. His writing was – is – so inventive. Ahead of its time in many ways, and maybe even ahead of my time.

    These authors, including Ursula Le Guin, Phillip K Dick, Stanislaw Lem, whatever – they’re just cool with cool ideas and next to their imaginations mine feels shriveled. Prune-sized and flavoured. Prune. Flavoured. But prunes are all right some of the time, I suppose.

    Give me a day and I’ll be over this and back in a writing mood, but God is it hard not to compare oneself to other people.

    That said, I find a lot of other other people boring and derivative, so focusing on geniuses is definitely a me problem.

    Here’s the media I’ve been into the last couple weeks:

    • Comic: Kill Your Darlings (Image Comics)
    • Nick Drake – just revisiting him, he’s great. I put on Pink Moon every few days just to feel something.
    • James Ensor, painter. I also quite like this YouTube channel – Blind Dweller. Seems like a nice guy who’s just really into art.