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rambles and half-essays

Tag: indie music

  • they say romance sells

    KM Brunner

    With the next four years looking confusing and concerning, I figured I should turn on my marketing brain and try to write something sellable. In general, I love what I write. I follow my interests. But I’ve only got my one job, and diversifying my income seems like a good idea.

    That said, I’m only one person and diversifying means more work, work that I don’t know if I have time for. And so I am looking at the things I can change, things I can make work for me. I know that with writing, I might be able to pivot and maybe, just maybe, be able to sell whatever comes of it.

    My first instinct is to turn to genre fiction – maybe romance. Who knows? The last time I tried to write romance it did not go well. That said, I was writing a boring, hyper-straight couple because I thought I wanted to sell my soul. I’m not going to do that, this time.

    Or I could get back to music reviews. I did that for years; there might be opportunities there.

    I’ll keep you updated on my progress. I’m frightened. I do not like that these posts are getting more personal as time goes on, but it’s difficult to separate myself from, well, everything else. It takes effort to stay objective, and most of my effort is going into staying sane.

    Recommendations:

    Music: Sugar in the Tank, Julien Baker/TORRES (folk/indie rock)

    Book: Reading plays lately. Just started Fences by August Wilson.

    Things:

    • I’m redoing my wardrobe, but I also have a conscience, so I’ve been buying from ThredUp, an online thrift store.
    • Here are my glasses. I wanted to look like a librarian or a detective in a small town. Not sure if I got it right.

  • breaks are important

    KM Brunner

    When you work in higher education, sometimes you’re lucky enough to get a break when the students do, which is why I can’t leave academia. Counting weekends, I had 12 days off over Christmas and New Year’s. Initially I thought I’d try to be productive, but once the break began, it didn’t feel right to push myself. So instead of buckling down to write, I decided to do the opposite.

    Something felt wrong – fundamentally – in my writing practice. I couldn’t pinpoint it, so I figured I’d just wait until it came to me. Luckily, it did.

    The day before Christmas, my friend asked me to a blues jam. I love watching live music, and as a musician, I’m even happier when it’s improvised. A jam is like a sporting event to me.

    These musicians were fabulous and a few minutes in, I realized I was deeply, painfully (toxically) envious of them. When they asked me to play (the host lent me his guitar, which was sweet), I was aching for it. And while playing, the penny dropped.

    I hadn’t picked up my guitar in months.

    Years ago I realized that music (my first love) was integral to keeping myself sane, stable, creative. I suppose I forgot that.

    The moment I started writing music again (11 a.m. on Christmas morning), I felt something unlock in me. I knew that I’d be okay. I knew I’d recover creatively and felt very stupid for forgetting the thing that keeps me, me.

    It’s always weird to be ignorant of the obvious, especially when it’s to do with you. Embarrassing, really. ‘Cause I know this about myself. It’s something I try to watch out for! If I stop playing music, I’m supposed to do like, a mental audit.

    Unsurprisingly, I recovered my creativity over the week following my revelation. The callouses on my left hand returned. It felt like I’d returned, too.

    The first recommendations list of this year!

    Music: “This Town” by Trixie Mattel/Shakey Graves. It’s about a small town in northeast Wisconsin, a few miles from where I went to high school. The song (and Trixie’s voice) is simple but the second verse makes me cry. It nails the very specific vibe that part of the country has.

    Reading: The Factory by Hiroko Oyamada (trans. David Boyd). It’s a wild, surreal criticism of capitalism and office work masquerading as a novel. I really enjoyed it but it’s not for everyone. I have a feeling it’s even better in Japanese, but the translation is fine.

    Miscellaneous: I only use shortscale guitars because I have tiny hands. My forever guitars are this Fender Mustang (electric), and a GS-Mini Taylor (acoustic/electric).

  • working hard while working hard

    KM Brunner

    It took me a long time to realize I worked harder than most other people. That’s the thing about neurodiversity: though you feel different than everyone else, you also believe that what you’re experiencing is common. Normal, even. When I was young I thought I was just sad or something, not inherently unsuited for the world around me. Turns out it was the latter, but I did okay regardless.

    I worked really hard.

    I work hard at my job but also at pretending to be normalish. These days I’m bad at it. My personality leaks out because I’m tired of being miserable, which is why people think I’m smart. Needing to mask is why I love to learn (I had to like it if I was going to pretend to be another person all the time) and it’s why I’m good at pretending to be likable.

    I don’t mask as violently as I did before leaving the agency world, but I still find it easy to manipulate my personality.

    Part of that is all the acting I did when I was young and some of it is the nature of the marketing industry. Drop a few (relevant) keywords into a conversation and you can make anyone feel important.

    It all sounds wildly manipulative but it’s not like I disliked these people. Often it was the opposite; I wanted them to like me for reasons beyond the professional.

    A friend once told me I was scary after I explained all this (to be fair, I didn’t articulate myself well). Though I understand their response, I disagree.

    They’re neurotypical. They don’t understand what I mean, really. It’s not malicious; it’s just how I operate. I think there are a lot of ways neurodivergent people can interact with society’s rules. One of them is that they catalog neurotypical behaviors, learn them, and strategically choose what they want to indulge. That’s what I do.

    Steeping myself in the psychology of marketing was helpful, but I think all the acting I did was the thing that made me good at it. ‘Cause I sound like this in my head. You can’t sound like this out loud unless you want to out yourself as a nerd. And in some places, speaking like this will make you unapproachable. Granted, that can be helpful, but you don’t want an ice queen reputation all the time.

    A colleague said to a group of interns once, while passing my office, “She’s really cool, but she’s not going to talk to you.”

    Part of me was proud because I felt all mysterious, but it did make me realize I had to go to happy hour at some point. Minnesota is weird.

    Nice doesn’t mean kind, there. It means palatable.

    This was a longer post than I expected it to be. I’m procrastinating dealing with the back end of some marketing systems which are just awful to look at.

    Recommendations:

    Music:

    Stick with me. This is a rock/metal song. It’s got screaming in it. It’s DEFINITELY not for everyone, but I love the build. GREAT tension. This band is very fun and their music is varied.

    • Though it’s kind of controversial at the moment, my friend and I are going to use NaNoWriMo’s website to track our November writing spree. It’s just a good place to keep each other accountable.
    • Been trying to pinpoint a good way to keep the stakes high and the pressure on for the middle bit of my novel, so I’m playing around with narrative structure. Here’s a quick and dirty explanation of a few.
    • I’ve started Martian Time Slip and I know I’m years behind the bandwagon but I’m having fun.
    • Obsessed with hawthorn trees because they have berries in the winter and HUGE spikes. Picture below:

  • change, distraction, and worry

    KM Brunner

    I have a problem. It’s not a big problem, but it is one that’s taking up a lot of space in my brain:

    I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be writing.

    I worry, probably several times a day, that there’s something missing from the novel I’m working on. I think, unhelpfully, that I should be pursuing one of my other projects. I think maybe, just maybe, I should be writing nonfiction. I used to write nonfiction. I was rather good at it.

    It wasn’t nearly as fulfilling as fiction, but it was something I felt comfortable with.

    Then I step back and think: that was the problem with nonfiction in the first place. I wasn’t challenging myself.

    And so I go back to the book and the short stories but then, there, I have the same problem:

    I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be writing.

    It’s a fun thing, to have lots of ideas. It’s an enviable position, but I need to focus – and if I’m going to use the ideas, I need to whittle. I am trying to concentrate on the novel, but I want to submit a story once a month, so I always have a short piece I’m working on alongside the book. Sometimes that piece is fun. Sometimes I think it might be better than the novel.

    How can I know that, though? I can’t! I absolutely can’t. I’m a few chapters into a first draft and those are notoriously bad! Regardless, I’m hitting a pretty significant rough patch. Things are working, mostly, but I’m concerned about a few characters, I worry I’ve made the story too big, that the plot is too niche to be relatable – and worst of all, sometimes I think it might be boring.

    Is this what impostor syndrome is? I’m not worried about being a writer – I feel paralyzed because I am one.

    It’s enough to make me want to scream but I can’t give up writing. I know I’ll work through it. I’ll show up, every day, at my stupid little keyboard. Writing is an awful, sometimes parasitic, thing. It compels. It’s worse than music, and that’s saying something.

    Anyway.

    Here are some things I’ve liked over last month:

    • Song: Good Luck, Babe! – Chappell Roan. She’s blowing up, and she deserves it. Vocal chops like nobody’s business and actual musical, catchy, pop. They use real instruments and the mixing isn’t all flat like most pop these days. It’s just…good music.
    • I don’t drink, but when I’m craving a beer, I reach for an Athletic. I’m into the Hazy IPA lately.
    • I got a noir piece published. It’s called Apartment 11A.
    • I found my writing workshop group on Meetup. I’d recommend it!
    • St. John’s Seminary, the seminary attached to Boston College, is full of nice people and very, very interesting classes. I’m going to take Moral Theology next semester. I never thought I’d be taking a course with Catholic undertones but here I am. I’m just interested.

  • a good idea and a realization

    KM Brunner

    I’m not planning to keep a chronological diary here – no one needs updates on my life, but I do want to say that I’ve found a writing routine, courtesy of my lovely mother, who thought it up for me. It’s in the nighttime, which was something I hadn’t considered. I thought I’d be too tired, but it’s been fine so far.

    Moms tend to be right.

    Anyway, before I get to a list of things I’ve enjoyed this week, I want to ramble a little about authenticity and bodies. I’ve had a rocky relationship with my body, and it only got worse after the changes it went through due to my chronic illness, but over the last few years (and a lot of therapy), I’ve learned to listen to it better.

    I’m not talking about listening to it to keep it safe – that I’m generally good at. I’m talking about listening to what feels good to wear, what kind of hairstyle makes me happy, etc. Over the years, in addition to masking my personality, I’d masked my physical self expression. I wasn’t wearing the clothes I liked, I was picking at my skin because it didn’t feel like mine, and my hair felt like a hat. It was strange but I didn’t question it, because I’d felt that way for so long.

    And then, at the behest of my therapist, I started wearing boys’ clothes sometimes and I got my first tattoo. I pierced my own ears and got my bangs back. I wore big shirts so they didn’t touch my skin so much, and got rid of things with textures that made me feel gross. I didn’t realize how uncomfortable my own clothes made me until I started paying attention – listening.

    What I’m saying is that you’ve got to notice the small stuff. My tattoos – several, now – make me hate my skin less. I feel less self conscious in oversized, cotton clothes. You have no idea how much those small changes positively influenced my self image.

    I’m getting much too sappy – time to list some cool stuff:

    Song – symptom of life by WILLOW. I am embarrassed that I was embarrassed to enjoy this. I hate when I’m pretentious for no reason; it’s not flattering. I think it stems from envy. Anyway, I’m so happy for this young person – they’re really expanding into a genre that suits them. The song is very cool.

    1. My mom got me these cube timers and they’re so cute.
    2. Been really into the Book Club Radio sets – a very cool series with some great DJs.
    3. Thinking about finishing my sleeve with Cheddar at Boston Tattoo Company. They did my thigh piece and I love it.
    4. I absolutely love Jess Owens. She’s hilarious and the best “booktuber” out there. She’s not usually drunk, but I thought this video was very funny. Jess is honest, sincere, and she’s got such a wholesome vibe. Her dog and husband are sweet, too.

  • mixed media, writing, mastery

    KM Brunner

    I’ve been experimenting with visual art lately. It’s made it hard to get writing done but I think it’s helping me from a creative standpoint, so maybe it’s worth the time I spend in front of clippings and paint and my new fine-line pens. I love my pens.

    There are (free) online courses you can take that’ll teach you how to make comics. I’m taking one on Coursera and it’s been a good time. I don’t want to be a comic writer, but two of my characters are visual artists, and it’s been fun to get a better picture of what they’re up to.

    My sketchbook is insane, which is the point of it. There’s a guitar pick taped in there somewhere.

    I do wish I were better at drawing figures/characters so I could make better thumbnails for the book, but I am what I am. No use doing anything other than practicing. I’m getting better. Slowly. People get degrees in drawing – I’m not expecting to be good at it, maybe ever. Art school seems hard and though I am working in a sense, I am certainly not working toward mastery.

    I’ve got two degrees in writing. I am seeking mastery, there. Awards are not my goal; I am interested in creating sincere, earnest work. I want to create something that gets at big questions using specific images and storylines. That’s what I’m working toward, and I think that goal’s realistic enough.

    Here are some things:

    1. This kid is a fabulous songwriter. I think he’s the new iteration of “emo” music for the youths. He doesn’t sound emo, but his vibes are emo as hell.

    2. Comicazi – my local comic shop. I love Boston and I love this shop.

    3. Paper Girls from Image Comics.

    4. Rosebud Salve – weird inclusion but it’s my favorite lip balm. Look it up yourself.

    5. Another song. In Limbo by Rigby. I love the vocals.

  • an easy out

    KM Brunner

    I’m determined to remain lacklustre, so this post is more word vomit/journal entry than anything useful. Similar to the last one, if I’m being honest. I do write every day – properly – but this is a place to let loose. Get out all the energy in my body.

    Creative energy, I mean. Other energies are still in me and becoming very, very inconvenient. What do you do when you don’t have a partner and are frightened of intimacy? Anyone got ideas? I’ve got “go meet people” and “marinate in self-pity” but there must be better ones.

    There are so many projects in my life I need to finish, including a novel whose direction changed drastically a few days ago. Means I have to rewrite everything, but I am excited to do that. The change makes the storytelling much smoother. It doesn’t feel like I’m fighting my characters anymore.

    Writing science fiction/speculative fiction is difficult, but easier than literary fiction and more interesting than creative nonfiction. I decided recently to start submitting short stories, but have yet to write one that remains short. So I’m working on that, I guess…

    Let’s get to the list; I’m boring myself.

    Untouchable – Luna Halo (Pop punk but in good taste? Again, a very catchy track. It’s corny but not in the way that most pop punk is.)

    Beneath the Trees (Where Nobody Sees), Image Comics – A comic about an humanoid bear serial killer illustrated like a children’s book. It’s buck wild and I really recommend checking it out.

    • Anne Truitt, Daybook – journal of a frustrated, middle-aged female artist. She sounds like I do in my head and it was so refreshing to read.
    • Currently Reading: I Sing the Body Electric! – Ray Bradbury. Batshit short stories, very cool, very abstract.
    • Song in E – Julien Baker. A great song about love and alcoholism. Has one of my favorite lines in it: “I wish that I drank because of you and not only because of me.”

  • starting a blog in 2024

    KM Brunner

    When I think of a blog I think of the ancient site Blogger and its orange branding. It’s still around, I think, though I haven’t checked because if it isn’t, I’d rather not know.

    The point of this blog is to be like those blogs, by which I mean: bad. I thought about creating a Substack like a real writer but I’ve got no bandwidth to add another time-sensitive responsibility to my list.

    Work, my neglected magazine, and my personal writing are enough. If I’m ever able to get out of the 40 hour grind, maybe I’ll pick up something else. I’ll dedicate some time to my painting, or properly produce the album I wrote in 2021. Who knows?

    As far as the writing I’ll keep here, I haven’t pinned much down but the point of writing is to do it, which means I have to start. So far, I’ve figured that some posts can be proper pieces, and some posts, like this one, will be a short ramble and a list of things I’m into at the time of posting.

    Here’s what I’m into:

    • Join the Club by Tilly Louise (indie rock, afab vox, catchy hook, and when I say catchy I mean catchy)
    • Hexagon Bridge, an Image comic, still being released monthly. It’s a cool story but the art is better. There’s a robot named Stanley who is mind-melded to his friend, Adley, though it’s clear (so far) they’re meant to be siblings. I’m really worried for them.
    • The Memory Police, Yoko Ogawa. Beautiful novel. About colonialism, generational trauma/memory, familial relationships, beauty, and so much more. The writing is so gentle.
    • Give It to Me Straight, a podcast/show hosted by drag queen and comedian Maddy Morphosis, who’s known primarily as the only straight cis man to ever perform on RuPaul’s Drag Race. I don’t know if that’s necessarily the case – everything’s fluid, even the straightness of cis white men – but she should be better known as an interviewer. God, she’s good. Like Nardwuar but less painful to watch, more emotional, and much prettier. The people she interviews are also much more interesting than his, and she connects with them on a level deeper than a cheap “gotcha!”. My favorite episode is below, with Mrs. Kasha Davis.