I said a few weeks ago that I was not going to stop at one post about spirituality, so here is the second.

I am being haunted by Catholicism in my sleep. They aren’t bad dreams, but they’re confusing and when I wake up, they frighten me a little. I try very hard not to lean into delusion. Some days I consume weird Catholic content and so I dream about it. I have an aunt who is a nun, some priest friends, and so I dream about the clergy. Easy-peasy-resting-easy.

That said, there are things in my life that I can’t explain. My easy fix: simply don’t think about them.

I don’t believe in the Church. I think the institution is rather rotten and I’m not interested in the Bible as a historical document. It comes across as metaphor to me, and so I treat it that way. All the lessons still read the same – and I don’t even have to lie to myself.

Now if everyone else got on board…

That’s a little unfair, I know. I’m sure there are people who actually believe in the story. In the resurrection of the dead, the life of the world to come…

So I don’t think I can call myself a Catholic. I also don’t consider the Bible my end-all-be-all of spiritual texts. I’m interested in the Tao, I’m interested in meditation, the Bhagavad Vita, etc. They are all in conversation with one another anyway, and who am I to ignore that? Who am I to dismiss all that tradition? Ridiculous.

But then there are the dreams, you see. That is why they’re frightening. When I’m awake, Christianity is just a pretty story. While I sleep, I’m…

In the last one I was a nun. I was happy, too. Happy and cloistered and spiritually fulfilled. I was smiling at my sisters and wearing a habit and the abbey was warm in the morning sun. I woke up upset.

‘Cause that’s completely out of my reach. If I were to pursue being a nun, I would hate it. I would 100% despise it. I wouldn’t be able to stay true to my spiritual vows. I think the frustration would get to me, and eventually I’d say something about it. Something like:

“Why can’t I be a priest?”

I think about that a lot. Some women are priests. I’m not like that, though. I’m nowhere near positive enough to try to forge a path for women in the Church. Those people are strong in a way that I find intimidating. I’d envy them if their road didn’t seem so fraught.

I suppose my big problem is that I don’t want to be a priest unless I get the weight of tradition along with it. But I don’t want to be a man and don’t think I could fake it well enough to get through seminary.

And so I learn about Catholicism and I think about the saints and I worry about spiritual psychosis and the young people who were victimized because of it. I go to classes and fantasize about being one of the original monks who just…walked into the desert.

I sometimes go to church. When I do, I feel that secret-sacred tether that reminds me that there’s more to those dreams than just the jumbled remnants of my day. Then I leave and try to convince myself that feeling is just the product of a beautiful service.

I am trying my best.

I don’t like the idea of being religious and I’m not. I’m curious and stubborn and desperate to prove to myself that I can dismiss those moments as chemical. Something tangible.

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Though it feels inappropriate, I’m still going to include recommendations!

Music: Misere mei, Deus – Tenebrae (on theme!)

Actual fun stuff:

• Rathskeller House Blend coffee from Pavement

• Finally getting back to writing. I write on a Remarkable tablet. They’re like a Kindle with a word processing function. I can’t do the computer all the time so it’s fabulous.
• I love this podcast about CNF (the podcast is hosted by the guy whose website this is): https://brendanomeara.com/