I have a problem. It’s not a big problem, but it is one that’s taking up a lot of space in my brain:

I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be writing.

I worry, probably several times a day, that there’s something missing from the novel I’m working on. I think, unhelpfully, that I should be pursuing one of my other projects. I think maybe, just maybe, I should be writing nonfiction. I used to write nonfiction. I was rather good at it.

It wasn’t nearly as fulfilling as fiction, but it was something I felt comfortable with.

Then I step back and think: that was the problem with nonfiction in the first place. I wasn’t challenging myself.

And so I go back to the book and the short stories but then, there, I have the same problem:

I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be writing.

It’s a fun thing, to have lots of ideas. It’s an enviable position, but I need to focus – and if I’m going to use the ideas, I need to whittle. I am trying to concentrate on the novel, but I want to submit a story once a month, so I always have a short piece I’m working on alongside the book. Sometimes that piece is fun. Sometimes I think it might be better than the novel.

How can I know that, though? I can’t! I absolutely can’t. I’m a few chapters into a first draft and those are notoriously bad! Regardless, I’m hitting a pretty significant rough patch. Things are working, mostly, but I’m concerned about a few characters, I worry I’ve made the story too big, that the plot is too niche to be relatable – and worst of all, sometimes I think it might be boring.

Is this what impostor syndrome is? I’m not worried about being a writer – I feel paralyzed because I am one.

It’s enough to make me want to scream but I can’t give up writing. I know I’ll work through it. I’ll show up, every day, at my stupid little keyboard. Writing is an awful, sometimes parasitic, thing. It compels. It’s worse than music, and that’s saying something.

Anyway.

Here are some things I’ve liked over last month:

• Song: Good Luck, Babe! – Chappell Roan. She’s blowing up, and she deserves it. Vocal chops like nobody’s business and actual musical, catchy, pop. They use real instruments and the mixing isn’t all flat like most pop these days. It’s just…good music.

• I don’t drink, but when I’m craving a beer, I reach for an Athletic. I’m into the Hazy IPA lately.
• I got a noir piece published. It’s called Apartment 11A.
• I found my writing workshop group on Meetup. I’d recommend it!
• St. John’s Seminary, the seminary attached to Boston College, is full of nice people and very, very interesting classes. I’m going to take Moral Theology next semester. I never thought I’d be taking a course with Catholic undertones but here I am. I’m just interested.