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rambles and half-essays

Tag: sci fi

  • long time no see

    KM Brunner

    I’m not sure why but I’m trying to work and write this post at the same time. I’ve been doing a lot of writing and also a lot of working. That’s not necessarily important for this post but I figured I’d say it so I’d feel compelled to write tonight. I have a schedule and I’m sticking to it as well as I can. Sometimes it’s difficult but I’m trying to push through that.

    I said in my last post that I find it hard to relate to people sometimes. I just cut off a romance I’d been in – she’s amazing, which sucks for me – because I couldn’t fully relate to her. She’s very cool but I’m a little intense. I know that about myself.

    Fortunately, she’s not as intense as me. Romantically, I need someone as specific as I am, but I’m happy for her, because she’s probably less stressed out. I’d rather her enjoy herself and never see me again than try to get through to me and watch me drown in self-pity (I’m working on it, ok).

    This post is more personal than I intended it to be.

    Anyway, work is difficult enough that I want to lay facedown on the floor and cry about it. I vacillate wildly from productive to miserable and am finding it difficult to steady myself. Honestly…I think I’m just so, so tired. I’ve been thinking of applying to different jobs but even that feels like too much.

    Then again, I may just be hungry. Or sad that I had to let that woman go. Or maybe I miss my friends.

    Could be because I’m all angsty about things. We’ll never know.

    Time for some recommendations.

    Music: “Never Surrender” – Combichrist

    This is a dark industrial song. Like if NIN had a baby with a male Poppy. I really enjoy it but it’s not for everyone.

    I’m currently reading:

    • Interview With the Vampire (I get why it’s so popular, but good Lord the book is wild).
    • The annotated version of The Phantom Tollbooth. I love this book. It’s my favorite book, actually. I think it’s the best children’s lit I’ve ever read.
    • Hum by…some woman whose name I can’t remember. I’m writing this at the office and my copy is at home. It was part of Book of the Month, which I canceled a long time ago. It’s a speedy read.

    I’m having a tough time thinking of things to share, so I’ll be going now.

  • thesis-less

    KM Brunner

    Most blog posts have a point but I cannot think of one for the life of me. I still want to write, but I have nothing to say. Intuitively it doesn’t make sense but I’m compelled to write. Always have been. Maybe that can be my point: the compulsion to create doesn’t let up, even when it maybe should.

    I’ve got a ton of loose papers, pictures, art, and filed them all away yesterday. I told myself I’m going to use them for collages and maybe I will. I hope I will. But truly there is no use for them. Why am I making art? Why do I pursue creation?

    No one is making me. There’s no deadline. I don’t have to finish this book. I can go to workshop after workshop and make no progress and maybe I’d be happy.

    What ruins that is the compulsion. I’m compelled to continue and to work toward an end, whatever that may be. It’s a little frightening, if I’m being completely honest. I’ve always been like this so I’m used to it; when I’m not stressing myself out because I haven’t created enough, I’m in a depressive episode. It’s actually the thing that I’ve learned to watch for so I can get myself some help.

    I know I have to stop looking for a “why”. There isn’t one, and it’s not some cosmic thing. Or maybe it is – but if it is, there’s no use trying to understand it. I am preoccupied with these thoughts probably because it’s the one constant in my life and the thing that most fulfills me. I love to create. I don’t know what to do with that.

    Stuff:

    • Book: After the Revolution – post-America, post-apocalyptic novel. Very action-forward and fun.
    • Save the Cat Writes A Novel – craft book. Free PDF at the Internet Archive. I’ve been plotting my novel with it.

    KB